Can a Relationship Survive an Affair

The short answer to whether a marriage can recover and grow when one partner has had an affair is... a conditional yes. Although the factors that lead to affairs are complex, the recovery and healing are twice as complex, difficult and challenging. One factor that frequently is cited as a cause of affairs is the lack of intimacy in the primary relationship. What follows is a brief discussion in the role a lack of intimacy has in creating a vulnerability for an affair to occur.

Why is it so difficult for most people to obtain and sustain intimacy of a depth sufficient to carry across a life time with a loved one' Interestingly, intimacy can be equated to physical fitness, for example, as soon as a person who regularly exercises neglects one or two of their routines, they will almost immediately experience a subtle, but noticeable reduction in their overly fitness. For a healthy level of intimacy to remain, a person has to be continually applying themselves to the process; this is similar to maintaining physical fitness.

It is difficult to provide a simple and neatly packaged answer to this question, as there are many variables that affect a person's life and relationships. One popular belief held by many marriage and relationship counselors is that people subconsciously choose a partner who will help them recreate their own childhood struggles. When two people are doing this in the same relationship and at the same time this is likely to create vulnerability within the relationship.

If a couple cannot apply themselves to working through the troubles in their relationship and do not regain intimacy, a vulnerability to affairs is created. At this point, either partner may feel exhausted or hopeless from trying to get their physical or emotional needs met and may develop a sexual relationship, an emotional relationship or a combination of both with another person.

Other strategies that people employ to manage their intimacy void is by putting their energies into other activities such as work, sport, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. These activities in turn frequently create a range of other problems that allow the lack of intimacy to be minimized and not to be addressed.

An important step in freeing oneself from childhood struggles is to assume self responsibility and have a close look at the role you have played in sabotaging the relationship. This is not a simple process, but is an opportunity for both partners to resolve childhood issues that interfere with their adult lives and to obtain the life they truly want.

To take these steps involves courage, self-honesty and a belief in the relationship. It also means that one cannot get caught-up in blaming, anger and resentment - a difficult task given the understanding and entitlement for such feelings. But nevertheless, these feelings are mostly destructive.